Every time you ask for more, you drive me miles away. What you failed to realize was what you had was more than I would give anyone and that wasn’t enough. 

28 January 2018

The picture I have in my head of myself is being curled into a corner while life goes by. This sadness will never end. But I might.

My life is eating me up and not in a picture perfect way. In a less dramatic and agonizing way. Like, I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow and find out what might happen. I no longer want to find out what more there is to this. I’ve had enough and battled enough. In my head echoes voices accusing me of victimizing myself and being selfish. But if I were to decide for myself without feeling obliged for other people’s opinions, I’d say I’d been an open book. I’ve been genuine and honest about myself. I might’ve lied, I might’ve cheated. But I’ve never lead on something on a lie. I’ve always ended things after I’ve found myself no longer worthy of the commitment. I’m in no way defending my wrongdoings, I’m just trying to tell myself I’m not as horrible as the picture I’ve drawn in my head. There’s so much of me I could love if I just ignore some words spoken by people to ruin my will to live.

It’s not a never ending circle. The circle stops somewhere. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back..

These days, I can’t find the words anymore. All I know is I’m tired. Scared too. I feel stuck. The independent and strong person I was, I am no more.

I know you loved me. And I also know I hurt you. And I thought you forgave me. But today I know you really didn’t. And even though you made me believe you loved me the same, despite how undeserving of it I was, it’s not the same. I’m a fool to have thought it would be too. Here’s the thing. I tried. And I know that’s not how it should be. You shouldn’t be trying. It should be there.

I value myself, even if I’ve lost my worth I value me, or at least what’s left of it. And I can’t continue this feeling like what you’ve made me feel. It’s selfish alright, as I fail to understand how you chose to be with me and still see me as the girl who betrayed you. You know you deserve better. I do too. What I’ve done, it’s all on me. What’s happened to me, that’s all on me too. And I should be able to take care of myself. I don’t need you to be there, pretending to care about me when you really don’t. I should be able to do this, for myself.

I refuse to be your compromise.