Resolutions are a cliche way of tricking yourself into believing okay, once you make it a statement things change or help change.

So, this year, for a change I’ll list a few.

I am going to read more books, be more kind, let go of some ghosts from the past. Also get help if necessary and accept that what’s happening right now is the life I will live. Focus on self worth, get help for the dark voices in my head, treat anxiety & paranoia and learn to trust and be around people. And again, be kind. I hope to not hurt anyone this year, yet again that doesn’t mean killing myself trying to please everyone. Also, I hope to not let anyone have the power to shatter me, anymore and make the best of what it is.

I am not going to hope this year turns out better, I am going to make it. I know it won’t happen itself.

All these years of damage, all the wars I’ve fought finally caught up. I am what’s left of me.
Can’t trust anyone. No one. Not a single soul I can count on. Do you even know what that feels like? It feels like you’re alone in a world full of people. People who’ve betrayed you and let you down and yet you’re stuck with them because they are all there are. It sucks so much when the people you love let you down obliviously without no clue as to what you’re inflicting upon the other person. Or it’s all in my head. But I’m not just imagining this. Devils whispering into my ear 24/7. I can’t ignore it and tonight I just want to die. Or vanish. Anything that will take me away from this reality of mine, permanently.

I know I seem like someone who would never get tired of writing about her heartbreak, truth is I didn’t even realize that that’s all I’ve been rambling about until someone pointed it out to me. And I’ve only done that because that’s the one thing that has entirely changed my world around. First I was so invested in it and because I wasn’t able to express it the way Id like to and so these words became my messages to the person. And now it’s rusted memories I write in wake off. I am not a writer, I vent. I vent my sorrows on web because people are such shit things. Or even if they aren’t there isn’t anyone who can make the other person feel better by being there for them because half of them don’t care and the other half are secretly giddy that you are miserable. And the rest that fits in between are the reason you are miserable. The world has become so crappy that you will not find genuine concern from another, unless it’s fueling them in someway. The ones you love can truly break your heart, be it family or friends. And I’ve had my heart broken by all of them. 

Its not the heartbreak that lasts. It’s the emptiness which follows the tragedy. See, there was a man who you could’ve died for and then one day he doesn’t exist in your world anymore. Whatever the cause, the love given remains forever in debt. 

I was a hopeless romantic. From one person to the other giving bits of myself hoping that yep, this just could be it. I miss being hopeful. Because now I know, I was just stupid. You keep loving until you run out of love, and from there on you’re a shell of the girl you knew.

There is always the fear you will fail or there’s always the fear you aren’t good enough. Scared by countless possibilities, anything could happen and you spend your days worrying about the one thing that could go wrong in a day a hundred other things are going right. Like a final destination movie, you paranoia is bound to have you tied to a barrel sinking deep. 

I don’t know how to escape, I can’t run away from my mind. I can’t run away from who I am. And I can’t live with who I am. What are my choices? Suck it up in a world that keeps draining the life out of you, or give in and accept that this is how it always will be. Or for once stop ranting about your goddamn irrational issues and do something about it.

They will always lie to you, they’ll look right into your eyes and lie, why; I don’t know. Maybe because they are trying to keep something that doesn’t belong to them. Or they know they’ve lost but they can’t let go just yet. And when the truth comes out, which it eventually will you are only to lose something you have lost a long time back. So, in a losing battle, you always lie.