Confused and unhappy. I hate my life.

I have no right to complain about my life. I made it the way it is. I could delete this blog and you wouldn’t even imagine the troubles that would vanish with that one thing. I have already changed so much, the girl who absolutely loved independence, celebrated her life everyday by doing whatever she wanted, is no longer free. And so this blog is the one thing, where I can ramble on freely, well not as freely as I want to, but freely enough to never hurt anyone. It’s all about being trapped in one body, all these different versions of you. And being unable to be everything you could be and want to be. Some choices you make limit your chance of free spirit. How wonderful is it to be a bird, I for one thought I’d never be pinned down. And it has disappointed me the most. What the hell am I doing here, I don’t belong here..

If I really am all those things you say, someone who abuses you mentally, demotivates you, calls you stupid, keeps reminding you how stupid you’re every chance I got, why are we still together? Why are you with me? Who’s stopping you from leaving? Why are you with this horrible woman who’s absolutely no good to you? Do you not value yourself but at all?

I never asked you to stay out of spite. In fact, I never stopped you from leaving. Do me a favor and leave. I’m not gonna sit by and watch you make decisions for me, I’m not gonna sit by and listen to you describe me as someone who’s not only selfish, but mean and monstrous.

Let go of the monster of a woman you call the love of your life.

My stubborn heart fails to forget.

How I loved you so.

You left my life, but not my heart.

I am trapped between the life I want to live and the life I am living, the life I want to live revolves around you, with you. How could this be. After all this time how could I still be here. Maybe, in a parallel universe, we made it work.

Life is shitting on me, again. Maybe I asked for this. Maybe things have been going too smoothly for the past year or so, and I couldn’t be more thankful.

Are men like windows of opportunities too? How long do you wait on someone before the feeling washes you over. Or is it just too random it comes and goes like the wind? How do you single out when there’s more than you often know, like a cosmic connection. And these would be easier to figure since it’s not everyday you feel the universe in sync.
Thank you, thank you for letting me say things I would’ve never told anyone otherwise. Thank you for ending something before it could even begin, and thank you for ending the conversation when I’d wished for it to go on a bit more.

When he came into my life, he was just what I needed. Maybe I was too broken to reject his presence.
What we have now may not be the healthiest, even so, sometimes you need a little help to go on and unknowingly, he became mine. He became my anchor in my darkest of days. I can deny him now but it won’t change the fact that he’s the reason I’m becoming whole again.
I fight about how it’s so annoying that we’ve merged our lives into one, how we don’t have anything to do without one another. How all our worlds are just one tight world. Which made me lose the space and freedom that defined me. But then again, my world had become my enemy, I was afraid to live in it alone filled with haunting memories and long nights. I urge him to build his own world and let me build mine and then to find a way to coexist. When you fail to coexist in your own world and in the world where he is a part of, it submerges your lives and you lose the person you were. It’s never me anymore, it’s always us or we. And I miss being just me.
But it shouldn’t matter cuz, we both work long hours and in the end we are just where we are and when the day is over it feels right to be here. Even if I don’t remember the last time I missed him because I never had to, or ever felt the fear of losing what we have, what’s right for you wins over everything else. And that’s all.