He was too nice. I told my friends he was too nice. What could be wrong with someone who was too nice? There he was, willing to give me his all and I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.
Too hungover from the past love or was my mind wandering to someone else? I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure what I was doing until I’d done it. Until I’d blown him off. Until I’d hurt someone for my selfishness. Until I’d just left him hanging. Until I left him cold.
October 10, 2016.
He wasn’t the one.
Sparks, the fireworks and knots of butterflies right before your first date, or the moment you notice the color of their eyes. Letting the excitement sink while you allow yourself to calm down hoping to not look stupid & eagerly for the rush you’ve been longing to feel all along with their first touch. A sign. A flicker..
When you don’t feel either of the above, darling, walk away. Save him from the misery and walk away. Dating gets better over time people say, but feelings don’t just change overnight. If you don’t feel a certain way towards someone, the people rooting for it won’t matter and your heart won’t change. It’s the click, the click didn’t happen. Move along. Pave the way for what truly awaits you.
I loved our ‘how we met’ story, but was that enough? I loved how he found me, in a cafe’ on a super drizzly night while I sipped my favorite tea, there he was, a few tables away. (A complete Taylor Swift fantasy). After I left, his friend request popped up. And I definitely knew it was from the strange looking guy who stared too much. That’s how we began. Another story unfolding to explore the depths of my heart.
He was easy to talk to, and I admired his gentleness. I wasn’t nervous around him. No butterflies. No anxiety. It was awfully comfortable. And I thought maybe, just maybe this is what I want. No drama, upfront honestly. It seemed a good sign since it felt very mature to not feel all these childish things that made us feel stupid and insecure whenever we start going out with someone new. Wrong. I was wrong.
When we held hands and our lips touched for the first time, I expected the long over due butterflies and anxiety. But no, no sign of either. And not too soon after here I am rolling my eyes at the sweetest things while being annoyed by it.
He was perfect, kind and genuine. But I needed my butterflies, I need to feel stupid and childish and wonder and anticipate how things will unfold. I need something to feel giddy about. I needed the thrill of a new found romance rather than a laid out heart. I needed the fear, the terror of losing him. If there was no fear of losing him, did I want him enough?
It’s not him, it’s me. He deserves much better. He deserves someone who would feel giddy about him. It wasn’t me.
And now I am deeply irritated by the word honey and kiss emoji’s. I’ve sailed through many storms now that a calm sea just won’t do.
She Was Sea 