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Been bitter for a while now. Knew nothing would be fair in love & war but a part of me dared him to do what he did. Even though he promised me a living hell, I had my doubts on how far he would go to achieve that. And he did, he went all the way. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. I didn’t believe I deserved what happened to me or what he did to me. But maybe my detaching faith had a lot more to do with this than I’d thought. Started believing less and less in the good. Stopped caring about everything. And while all that was healthy for me, for my mind. It changed me into something I never wanted to be. I became one of those people I used to hate and say things about. The mean ones. The unhappy ones. The ones that are so bitter in life that they hardly believe in anything & see no good in this world. Throw around the harshest words without thinking about it twice, because what was the point. I had nothing to lose anymore. I’d lost the person I was. Had no faith. Saw no good, felt no good. Kept existing because death hadn’t claimed me just yet. I became more and more like him. I became exactly like the person who ruined my life. You’d think there couldn’t possibly be anything more to ruin, but there it was. The end of me. Why would he do that? What had made him so angry? I wouldn’t know. I’d never know. But I’m sure he, as well I, know that whatever I did I didn’t deserve it. In a way it had opened my eyes more, I’ve realized how selfish people are. More reasoning for my bitterness. Being nice wasn’t an option anymore, I was no longer a nice person. I was the girl who was weird and disturbed. Who fell in love with four guys a week. Who cheated on the love of her life. I was that girl. But who am I beneath all that? Not many know. But he did, he knew me apart from all that. He’s the one person who knew so much. He’s the only person I gave all of me. He was the only person who wanted all of me. Way before the hate kicked in. I learned to make my peace with everything that happened, tried to forgive myself for where I went wrong. Even though I could never forgive myself completely, I’ve never been untrue or pretentious to myself. I’ve never acted like something I wasn’t. I’ve always been true to myself. Even when people judge me for all of that, I think that’s one of the few things that make me who I truly am. I admit I am lost. Been lost for so long. Nothing made sense and nothing was clear. Everything was blurry and I tried to find my way but I kept going in circles in pitch dark.