Ten months gone since I built myself up the courage to say what I should’ve said when we broke up for the first time 3 years back. Instead of running to you every time I should’ve learned to run away from you. I built the courage to do what’s best for you, not me. I know it’s all bullshit to you now and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry and sorry doesn’t even cut it. And ten months down I realize it might’ve not been the smartest thing I could’ve done. Instead I could’ve not done all the shit I did to not deserve you. Or built the courage to tell you the truth and come clean right after the things I did to not deserve you. But I didn’t. It took me a while, months. Trying to forget what I had done. Because I loved you. I loved you so much I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I didn’t know how, I didn’t know what I would be without you. Nothing made me love you less. I needed you more than my sanity, I lose my mind without you, I didn’t know how to let you go. How could I’ve left the person I’ve been living for, the sole purpose of existence. When things ended, I lost myself. Lost my mind. I didn’t recognize myself without you there to define me. You’d forever been my everything. When things were impossible to deal with, we still got through. With our differences, we still loved hard. Our love was destructive. Knew it from the beginning. Knew when things blew up we’d end in ashes. At least I did. Hell bent and burnt. Still after ten months, the part of me that loved, loves the same. I can’t seem to let you go. The only thing I know how is to drown myself in this misery and hope one day I wake up and this will all be a nightmare and that you’d forgive me.

Can’t go on without you, my world is upside down. Nothing makes sense. Nothing I did, nothing you did. Can’t fight this war anymore, I beg for mercy.

I’m so sorry.

You were a moment in life that comes and goes
A change of a heart, a twist of fate
Couldn’t fix it, it’s too late

Twisted, but true. Sad, but the only thing I know. It’s always been you.

I thought, if I found something I cared about, I could feel myself again. I could become the person I used to be before I fell under this pile of crap. But I’d forgotten caring about someone so deeply only develops a confused anxiety. Caring about someone meant opening up and letting them in, hoping they would too. But that’s not for everyone, not all find it easy to open up or let people in. So it’s your call to keep knocking or to walk away. Both options result in sorrow. Being patient isn’t for me. I may have started caring about the wrong person.

Processed with VSCO with t1 preset

Been bitter for a while now. Knew nothing would be fair in love & war but a part of me dared him to do what he did. Even though he promised me a living hell, I had my doubts on how far he would go to achieve that. And he did, he went all the way. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. I didn’t believe I deserved what happened to me or what he did to me. But maybe my detaching faith had a lot more to do with this than I’d thought. Started believing less and less in the good. Stopped caring about everything. And while all that was healthy for me, for my mind. It changed me into something I never wanted to be. I became one of those people I used to hate and say things about. The mean ones. The unhappy ones. The ones that are so bitter in life that they hardly believe in anything & see no good in this world. Throw around the harshest words without thinking about it twice, because what was the point. I had nothing to lose anymore. I’d lost the person I was. Had no faith. Saw no good, felt no good. Kept existing because death hadn’t claimed me just yet. I became more and more like him. I became exactly like the person who ruined my life. You’d think there couldn’t possibly be anything more to ruin, but there it was. The end of me. Why would he do that? What had made him so angry? I wouldn’t know. I’d never know. But I’m sure he, as well I, know that whatever I did I didn’t deserve it. In a way it had opened my eyes more, I’ve realized how selfish people are. More reasoning for my bitterness. Being nice wasn’t an option anymore, I was no longer a nice person. I was the girl who was weird and disturbed. Who fell in love with four guys a week. Who cheated on the love of her life. I was that girl. But who am I beneath all that? Not many know. But he did, he knew me apart from all that. He’s the one person who knew so much. He’s the only person I gave all of me. He was the only person who wanted all of me. Way before the hate kicked in. I learned to make my peace with everything that happened, tried to forgive myself for where I went wrong. Even though I could never forgive myself completely, I’ve never been untrue or pretentious to myself. I’ve never acted like something I wasn’t. I’ve always been true to myself. Even when people judge me for all of that, I think that’s one of the few things that make me who I truly am. I admit I am lost. Been lost for so long. Nothing made sense and nothing was clear. Everything was blurry and I tried to find my way but I kept going in circles in pitch dark.

Writing has been my way of looking back. I’m no writer, but I write to remember. To remember how a certain person or a place made me feel. When the years go by and we are both strangers I’ll have a piece of writing that’ll remind me of how I felt when I knew you, word to word. I love rereading old conversations and I definitely love going through old memories. I live to reminisce. What’s funny is, good memories and good times are found okay to be written about. But the bad ones aren’t. Ive never lived by the rules and I do not hesitate to write about the bad, ugly and horrible. Why only choose to look at the good when the bad exists equally? Why only remember the time you fell in love and not the time you barely survived of heartbreak. Why deny the amount of pain people cause you when you appreciate their presence. Do you not want to remember how you turned this cold? I do. Because I wasn’t like this. What I am today is someone I never thought I’d be, even as a person. I’m a wreck of what I used to be.
I don’t care about this world, I care about mine & that exists of me only.

I was a fool every time I thought I may have found someone to share this world of mine with. Hopeful blind and giddy, only to be shot down at the same old wound until I lay breathless. But that’ll never show. Because baby, this smile is all I’ve got and I ain’t losing this.

To love, you need to understand, you cannot love something you don’t understand. I’ve made my peace with this. I’m not for this world, I’m not for the people of this world. I’m my own and someday, I’ll be okay with it. Meanwhile I’ll love less and need less.

It is both blessing and a curse that life doesn’t allow me to stay here for too long or too often for that matter. If I did, I’d get attached to the place and the people here. And I’ve seen all too well where that leads. I am not running away from anything. Just not running into  anything either. Just running, not knowing where the run will end. Guess I’ll surprise myself in the end.

Meanwhile, everything I’m not attached to, and the things I could so easily leave behind, reminds me of all the things that I could be cherishing. I’m missing the opportunity of finding out, or what could’ve been if only. Terrified to do so. Why is this even a big deal, why does it hurt to feel so much.

That right there, that right there. When you convince someone it won’t be half that bad and get their hopes high. Only to let them down.

You may not be frail, but I am. That’s why I think everything through. Maybe too much, maybe too far. Because that’s the only way I know how, how to avoid being let down. But maybe this time, I forgot to think through. I thought it would be fun to explore. It’s not. It’s not fun and it never will be. Because I’ve explored enough and I know how things play out. I just keep forgetting and excusing myself. Because that’s what I am, I like taking risks. I like putting myself out there to test myself. To see what I can and what I cannot take. It hurts for a while but the pain goes away by morning. And everything’s alright again.

Just close your eyes, the sun is going down
You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now.
Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound.

We use people when we need them and dispose them when we no longer don’t. Something I’ve always hated about people. How can they be so selfish, play with someone’s so genuine feelings just like that, only because they are bored.

Only now, I’ve become one of those. And I don’t hate them anymore.