Monthly Archives: May 2016

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I’ve lost it.

2014

What can I do, what more can I ask you to be?
Why am I not completely Happy? Why do you  have to be the only one happy? Why can’t everyone else just not fuck up so that I be my happy self around you.
When the world pisses me off how can I take it out on you when you’ve been nothing but good.
And sometimes I lose it.
And today, I’ve lost it.
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Comparison.

2014

He has won me over and I never realised. He’s done the same things that I once did over you. Not giving up when you let me go. He’s done the same.
Mixed emotions, mixed feelings.
I love you so very much and so deeply that I don’t even know how to be without you. But he has won a bit of my heart too.
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Paradise.

lllllp2014

Fifteen days of presumed Happiness indeed and today being the last one here I am feeling a little blue. Back to routine and life’s already become ordinary. No more spontaneity and none of those so longed surprises. Everything’s great except that I slightly miss being pampered. A little extra attention wouldn’t really drive you off to hell, would it? Once in a while a girl needs that I guess, something she loves right on spot and out of nowhere.
Sadly I’ve given up the right to even complain.
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My Own Mess.

2014

If you were in my shoes today, you’d have realized that something’s aren’t for everyone to understand. Some secrets aren’t meant to be shared. Something’s the world doesn’t need to hear out loud. No matter how bad you’d wish for them to, they just won’t. Why? because their world isn’t as fucked up as yours. Sometimes not at all, not even close. This seems unfair but it’s life’s nature.
Thing’s you’ve left behind years ago, simply because they were too much for you to deal with. Eventually forgotten, but just one snap and it all comes running back to you. Haunting you in your own parallel universe. Until you can’t run away from them anymore, until you just give up and give in to your own misery. Like being forced to embrace every horrible thing that’s ever happened to you. And when you do, thing’s you’ve long forgotten, comes back fresh. And all of a sudden, life’s hundred times harder than it used to be.
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Letting Lose.

2014

Not sure why I feel this way. ” How can I give anymore, when I love you a little less than before ”
Not exactly true, I do love you. Probably as much as I always have but I can’t help feeling that you’ve really let me down. Sure I’ve forgiven of all you’ve done. Agreed to let bygones be bygones. But it kinda feels like I’ve given and given so much that nothing you ever give back will make up. I do love you honestly with all my heart but can I just be irritating for a while and please please do bare with me. I lived with your hate for months. Live with my annoying self for a while. Things will sort out but for now all I wanna be is something I’ve never been for a while. Forgive me darling, I love you.
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Happiest!

 

2014

Sometimes I think we’ve been through too much to ever doubt our feelings. But when the time comes and when the tears start welling up in your eyes it hits you that no matter what you’ve been through you love him too much and the slightest insecurity leaves you scared. Even the single thought of being apart sinks into your skin like a needle. Some feelings are way too strong and way too scary. Some people just make you feel too much and too often and I call this love. And I call you mine. Forever Mine.

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Ripped.

2014

It’s my worst nightmare for real. It’s keeping me up at night and pushing me away.
How can there be or even trigger so much hate & anger, towards someone you claim to have loved the most.
I’m in trouble here trying to convince myself it was worthless. Making up excuses for your behavior. For all you do and all that you say.
Lost in my own dilemma here. My mind’s blank and I’m absent. I’m here but not really here. Literally falling apart.
Please don’t ask me what you can do for me. Stop telling me you love me.
Your love has bruised my already broken heart, and raped my barely breathing soul.
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Love Fight Love

2014

 

What do you do when you’re in love, but keep hurting each other more. This never ending cycle. Worse when you’re kinda right and it’s not working out.

I thought we were fine, more than fine actually. But that’s what I thought.
I’ll never change, you’ll never change.
I come with my drama & you with your absence.
What’s a relationship where there are no rows or silly arguments or even misunderstandings? But if we can’t laugh these off without insulting each other every time & talking about how everything’s shit and saying I toss you around and treat you like shit. Really? Do I?
And then you highlight everything you do for me. As if I never appreciate. I’ve stopped asking you to do things you don’t wanna do. But you do them anyway so when we re here you can remind me. Makes me question your motives on every single thing you’ve done. You’ve made me sound like this raging bitch, which I know I’m not. But if you feel that way it means you’re on the wrong side of me.
I’m sorry.
(I love him more than anything and I don’t know how I’ll be without him.)
But if you’re unhappy you shouldn’t be in this. I shouldn’t too. Let’s just go.
You’ve made me realize I was never meant to fall in love with you. But it’s how you shut me out completely with the littlest rows and the fear of losing you even when I have you that lead to this. I want you so much that I possibly can’t even explain. If I weren’t this madly in love with you. I’d run for my life! But I can’t, I’ll just let you kill me slowly. Every time a little more than than the last time. We both make mistakes. I’m a little more stubborn, but you punish me for my personality too. You wanna fuck up, take the time you want. And expect me to jump right back into your arms whenever you come. You don’t care about what I must have felt in your absence. And then you tell me I’m a bitch and you hate it and you’ll just never stop hurting me. How can you forget the good bits so easily? Which mean the most to me.
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A Good Cry.

2014

I’m so glad none of my room mates are here tonight. I wouldn’t be able to cry my heart out if they were. I’m not the kinda girl who usually does this, but lately at the slightest bit of hurt I just break down. It’s like there’s always too much. Am I expecting too much? Don’t I deserve that much? Am I too much? Am I loving you all wrong?
I don’t blame you. Not at all. I blame me, for being so stubborn and stupid. Knowing how you were like and what you’d be like I still wanted you. I cared little about me. The last time I was back home I remember spending hours crying alone too. I don’t think you knew. I was hurt to the core. Mad, tired and you’re the one who gets to give up on me and just like that? Nothing discussed? The last time I hinted a break you were all ‘this is what distanced us last time and this is why we broke up if you do this again I might leave you for good.’ I stayed. I tolerated things even when they were difficult. I’m done expecting. I’m done trying to be good enough for you. I’m done limiting myself for you. I’m tired. I’m really tired of trying to chase you. Somehow you always manage to leave me behind. I can’t keep doing this. It really hurts. And when everything else is shit I can’t be your broken doll.
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Blame Game

2014

I’ve thought and thought about everything that has been happening, to us. As much as I hate admitting, you were right. I changed. It was hard for me to accept ‘cause I’ve never been the kind to take anything or anyone in my life for granted, not especially you. I cherish you everyday.
Pretty much everything’s changed, mostly the love. It’s pretty tough. It’s a bit too late to realize this now but it’s horrible to let just one person affect everything you do with just one single move. You’re unfortunately that, for me. My world. My EVERYTHING. I love you that much.
Last night it crossed me, maybe you’re the guy I’ll love hopelessly with all my heart and for years. And we lose each other eventually, for good. All the drama will get us sicken. Almost already there I think. We fight too often, over the silliest things. And it’s not the fighting that hurts most. The things you don’t say to me when we are okay. It’s like you bottle things up, and let it flow when I’m at my lowest. Which breaks me into a million more pieces every time.
I know, I can be irritating and demanding. Which is your excuse to be cruel and heartless. Guilty as charged but, I wasn’t like this before. Remember?
Sure I was unhappy but I was never mad like this, ‘cause I was so afraid of losing you over something so little, like my happiness. I changed subconsciously. I just wanted to be free and guilt free and for once be able to say and do what I want. Because I was so tired of the chase. So so tired of crying and hiding my feelings.
But obviously I want you more, I’ll be a nothing without you. I know you can easily move on. You’ve always been so cold. What scares me most is I know that the moment we’re over you’ll go back to being that monster. And I can’t just deal with that. Looking back I’m not even sure how I put up with all the hate, I flatter my guts for the humiliation and embarrassment I bared, for this. You were my conquest. My battle. But you only gave in when I gave up. So clearly, you won. Like you always do. Whatever I feel, you’ll find a way to prove me guilty.
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