October 31, 2014

October 13, 2014

I’d begun to miss talking our way into the night until sleep left us no choice. The last couple of days I’ve been waking up to your missed calls. Which meant you reached home late and I’ve already fallen asleep. This wasn’t a problem. This happens.
And since I badly needed to catch up and tell you all sort of things and listen to yours, I knew dinner would be perfect to talk over, there wasn’t anything important or urgent but the small things that completed us. Laughing over nothings and stuff. But when dinner finally happens and you’re on the phone through out. I didn’t mind but then after when the food arrived, I started thinking I should’ve eaten while I was out with my friends. At least I’d have company. Even though your efforts in making conversation later turned out alright, I wasn’t my hundred percent.
The time that followed was okay too. Stuck in the rain moments and all. And then we’re back at your place, doing what we do. And all I wanted to do was just lay there in your arms and talk or laugh over silly things and you know be happy in your arms and not go, that was when you took your guitar and I really love listening to you play, but it seemed like you were kinda on your own there. And I just lay there thinking what difference would it really make if I weren’t here right now in this exact moment. And I fall asleep. You wake me up though, I was glad. And we did it again and you’re exhausted. My cue to leave.
And here I’m, home.
And then I just remembered last weekend when you never offered to go back to your place before you dropped me home. That was a first.

I listen close for I’m not smart
You wrap your thoughts in works of art
And they’re hanging on the walls of my heart

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You’re the only angel in my life

I remember the one who jumps in for any “alone time” with me. And now you’re slightly becoming the guy who’d pass on that. I’m okay with that. It does hurt. Let me also apologize for being so transparent when it comes to the way I feel about some certain things.
What I’ve learned so far is some days are difficult and you feel unloved or ignored or just not paid enough attention even after all your efforts on getting noticed or something. Things are changing. Maybe it’s been too long and we’re changing. And I tell myself over and over that I don’t doubt you because a part of me does and when I suck into it, it becomes ugly. And now I know better so I listen to my brain instead. What I’m holding onto now is, times like these will show what we are and what we are not. If we make it through these, we’ll be okay. For once I need to see if we’ll be okay without all my nagging. I’ll take a few steps back and observe, and maybe try to figure out.. “where all this is coming from. I thought we were fine”.
I’m sorry I’m insecure and really fucked up. And it freaks me out when people change.

September 27, 2014

I don’t know what to write or how I feel. All I know is I need to get a lot off my system.
It’s too much it’s driving me insane I’m actually going nuts and freaking out. I’m not sure if there’s any person I could talk to right now, too much happens too quickly and my mind only suffers the result. I can’t keep up, I try. I feel abused and threatened. I’m scared to share what I feel, hesitant to open up. It’s become a nightmare around here. anything I say is used against me. I can’t control my anger, and I end up hurting myself or something else. Because no one understands and it’s so frustrating. I choose myself over anything as I always have. I am the only thing that’s truly mine, the rest can be bought and sold and stolen. But I’ll always belong to me. Whatever scars I have I’ll bare the pain, but for how long. It hurts. And I do this because I feel helpless and worthless, but in the end I’m the one who’s responsible. My feelings are only an excuse to end up doing what I’m not allowed to do when I’m sane, apparently. I’m responsible for everything that’s ever happened in my life. At least that’s what he says and also I’m selfish and full of myself and I don’t really have any friends because of that. And when I breakdown, he tells me I’m annoying. I don’t know how I fell in love with a monster.
When I was sixteen and struggling with all that was happening to me, I was so sure someday I’d meet a guy who’d make all of it go away. And that person would understand me and not yell at me when I cut myself or break my phone instead calm me down and know that I need more care. I know I need help but who has the time to offer that kind of help unless they are paid, I’ve considered going into therapy but I don’t wanna be stuck with therapy the only day I get off.
I just need to be cared enough, not pity. And I end up craving the wrong kind of attention when I’m pitied. If I’d never cared about the rest I’d have killed myself years back. 2006 to be exact. I would’ve been dead. No one should ave stopped me. Why’d he stop me anyway? to go through this shit? alone.

2014

Every scar has it’s untold story. 
My apologies for all my mistakes, the anger I have no control over and the love, I have no courage to show.

2014

2014

2014

 I’m stubborn, selfish, impatient, stupid and what not. I flirt with people I talk to, I like the attention I get when I do. I like people who let me have my way or console me with whatever they could so that I’d drop it and be normal. Or convince me, but without a fight. There doesn’t have to be a fight every time right. And also i like telling people I’ll never see about my problems. I don’t expect the world to revolve around me. Maybe I do, I don’t know.

2014

2014

2014

How much is this worth? How much is any of this worth? Why am I so unhappy, the smallest things used to make me oh so happy. But now, they just make me sad so much that I hate everything. I hate life. I hate this crappy world, I hate the shit I’ve to put up with. I hate that I’m not there for the the one I love so much. I’m just not enough. Nothing’s more depressing than feeling so little and helpless in a world so big where everyone’s doing their thing and everyone seems to be dealing with it just fine. While I’m just lost and frustrated. I can’t take this anymore. I just really can’t. It already feels like I’ve lived and struggled for a hundred years and death is just taking too long. Why can’t it be now. Why can’t it be tomorrow. Why can’t it be soon. And this is disturbing when I think of the people who’d miss me when I’m gone. But it already feels like I’m dying a little everyday. How can I live when I feel like this.