Met the third one on the set of this song I kinda shot for, he never caught my eye. I remember the first time I saw him and the first time he looked at me though. We never spoke. I was eighteen. Later he added me on Facebook and we’d talk a little. Not much, Hello’s and bye’s. We never talked for too long ’cause every time he’d ask me out and I was never interested. And then almost a year later I had to give him my number to get my friend an interview at his work place. And he started texting. I never replied the first couple of nights. but the third night I was bored as fuck and hadn’t been out in a week. So I texted back. And of course he asked me out and this time I was so glad he did. I told him to pick me up in thirty. It was already pretty late. We went out and he never stopped talking. I knew I liked him and would love to keep him as a friend since I was already kind of seeing someone else at the time. And later that night after I came home I wondered why I’d never given him a chance before. And the next day when I woke up he’d sent me the longest text I’ve ever seen, saying that he’d been up all night thinking what if he didn’t do something about what he felt and woke up fifty years later and wondered what if. I was so touched, that was the sweetest thing. Nobody’s ever been that sure of me, ever. He just told me that he wanted me and he’d fight for me. And I’d only met him once.
Night’s have been longer than day since you’ve left darling. Nights are really, really hard. I somehow manage myself through the day. And then comes the night, over shadowing anything that’s bright. And then, I’m weak as fuck. It sucks that it has been so so fucking easy for you to just walk out and not even look back. I thought you’d at least care. But you don’t even give a fuck about me anymore. That just makes it worse, you left and took everything that kept me going with you. You care about anyone else but not me. How is this fair? Just how? You were my everything and now I’m your nothing? Why love, just why?
I still remember how he used to say, you’re never getting rid of me. And how he said being with me was worth the shit we went through to stay together. One day he just decides none of it is worth it and just leaves me. I know we tried. He did too. But why’s this so much harder for me. All I can think about or even talk about is him. Stuck in a parallel universe with the ghost of what he used to be.
If the littlest thing cuts me slowly and tears me so deeply the bigger things would do unimaginable damage I suppose. Better prepare myself for the worst but harsh reality here. Right now the thought of things never being the same again is the most painful, but forget that. Soon that would be the least of my problems compared to seeing you with someone else. Right now it feels like that would kill me, but before that happens if I learn to accept the fact that life goes on with or without you. I could ease the pain of not being with you.
I used to think break ups were overrated bullshit, not that I haven’t had my fair share of them. I have. This time it’s no different. I’m sad hurt and in pain. Nights are longer than day, and soon it just falls into a routine and fucks your clock up completely. I don’t want to be like this. I wish I was more confident and knew what to do about this. I don’t. All I know is I love him, I love him so much. And he knows too, but it’s over and I have to accept it. But how can I ? when it’s all I want. Normally I’d have my friends for support at times like these, but this time it’s a little bit difficult since all of them remind me of him as well. He’s gotten used to them and decided to keep in touch with them. So I’m kinda on my own here. Trying to stuff down the pain, insecurities and doubts. Nothing works, some days I’m really doing well and the next I just wanna call him all the time and tell him to come back. Which is insane but that’s no surprise since I’m insane too. Literally, everyone knows.
If I said I want you back I’d be a liar
There’s nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can’t help reaching out for more
And I can’t sleep… You’re so far away from me
And I can’t sleep… And I can’t sleep
And I can’t sleep… You’re so far away from me
And I can’t sleep… And I can’t sleep
You’re leaving me scars scattered in my heart
A road map of all the places you have been
And I can’t escape, can’t wash this away
Love has burned your mark so deep within
I feel so lost even the thought of being found again seems surreal. I’m honestly tired, tired of trying tired of crying tired of trying to be something someone could want and would keep. But no, I would never be that girl. I’ll always be for the night. And with the daylight I’ll be the stranger you never knew. And then you ask me why I date these kind of people, honey. It’s faith, I never stopped believing or stopped looking for something real. But the real thing has ended, and it’s impossible for something that real to repeat. I feel so used and abused.
I know there’s so much more I would’ve done on my end if I’d been more smart about it. And I regret it now. And I don’t hate myself for fucking things up, I tried to stay calm and all. Didn’t work. I’d already lost the friend in you, I freaked out about losing you all together. It fucking terrified me. My paranoia ruined it all.
She Was Sea 