Spent the most amazing time with my best friends. Remember when I hated them for not understanding me? Well turns out that’s not true at all. My judgement was clouded by my doubts. It’s because they don’t know me very well. Underneath the fun-loving Ana is a broken little girl. Years and years of piling up she forgot which broke her the most. And there have been things I never talked about to anyone because it was too embarrassing for me. Talking about rape or sexual abuse has never been embarrassing to me. But domestic violence and child abuse is, because that actually defines your family and the environment you grew up in more. And that’s a shame for me and my family. And they mean so much to me, to believe they were cruel meant standing alone.
I was too lazy to take a shower to head out, so I was just lying around while everyone else went out. Except one of my best friends, she stayed in ’cause she was bummed that she couldn’t make it back home that night. And as I was about to take a shower, we got to talking. We talked about her problems and then somewhere along I broke down too. And the more she told me how strong I was the more I broke down. We hugged and cried for hours. It felt so good, she had no clue I was almost topless. That will always be a defining moment of my life.
So what did I breakdown on? My childhood, of course. A place I never revisit even in my head. I didn’t realize I was running away from it. I was a daddy’s girl, always. My mum was never that fond of me. I can feel tears welling up.. this is clearly a very sensitive topic for me. As a little girl every time I cried Dad was always the one to comfort me. While my mom would just say I was being dramatic for his attention. And when he isn’t around I’d cry until I’m too tired to anymore. So I loved my father, more than anything. When they divorced and he moved out, I was alone. My mum hated me for not being like her, I had become more like my nanny. ‘Cause she was the one who took care of me, my mum was always absent. She was a very hard-working woman. I don’t blame her. But she blamed me for picking up habits from my nanny, there was a time I loved my nanny more than my own mother. Sadly my father ended up marrying my nanny. Which made her hate me even more I suppose. When my father moved out after the divorce, everything I did used to make my mom mad. It’s like my presence made her angry. We’d go on not talking for months, I’d sleep all day to avoid her. And stay up all night to avoid her as well. But then she’d come and scream at me to switch the lights off since she’s the one who pays the bills. So I’d sit in darkness all night. And as soon as the sun rises I’d go to bed. And she’d tell me to get the fuck out of the house every time she got mad, sometimes I just suck it all in and cry silently, other times I’d lose it and cut myself, ’cause even bleeding didn’t hurt as much as her words did. And that’s when I started looking for love in all the wrong places. I was so lonely, and guys were an obvious distraction to a teenager. The list is so long because I was unlucky and desperate. I’m not ashamed of any of that though, I did what I had to survive. And I have. I’m not perfect. No one is. And I love my parents. And I hope that someday someone loves me too, despite being so broken.

 There’s no denying I’m completely at loss without you. Life is good and work is well but without you everything’s a hundred times more meaningless. No matter what I did there’s this pit of emptiness, no matter how I tried I always end up here. 
So I cooked today, which is a huge deal ‘cause I never even go near the stove at all. And it turned out alright and all I could think was why, why isn’t he here. He should be, if there’s anyone I wanna share moments or days like this it’s you. I’m sorry everything went to shit. But even after being away I’m still all over the place without you, I vent to the wrong people the wrong things. You were my best Friend so at first I was so lost as to why I was feeling so lonely even when I had the most amazing people surrounding me except you. You were my anchor, you held me and guided me no matter what went wrong. You tolerated me. And you knew too much of me it’s impossible to even expect anyone else to ever know me like you did. We grew a little more together. And I know I’m supposed to start over, because it gets so lonely. But how do I when I’m too ashamed of myself, even with all my shit you found good in me. Nobody else would. I miss you. I will always miss you. Im tired of being strong. Tired of being okay with something that has ruined me.

Will I ever get over this? The constant crying and abrupt reminders of his absence. Does that ever stop? Specially when all your best friends have accepted him as one of us. Now they’re his friends too. Sadly none of them understand what this is doing to me. It’s killing me, every single day. No one realizes how they are torturing me by keeping in touch with him. Apparently they’d all be okay if the roles were reversed and tables were turned. So it really is my fault for feeling too much or not handling my feelings. I blame him for the torture and I blame them for not understanding. I’ve never felt more alone. They were the ones that always lead me through the darkness, but now they’ve become the darkness and I no longer see any light at the end of this tunnel.
He ruined me by loving me and then leaving me. He’s the most stubborn person I’ve known and he gave up on me. Said he couldn’t do this anymore. I was too much.  I may have been but i swear I’m madly in love with  and if that makes me a pain I’m so sorry. He says he’s happier than he’s ever been, without me. As if I’m not hurt enough already he tells me how much better everything is, without me in his life. How do I cope with this? Just how?

I thought I’d go sit by the sea for a smoke before I turned myself in for the night. It was half past two already, in the morning. There was hardly anyone on the streets, I think the cops were doing some drills and they’d closed most off the roads. Yay me. I had the whole place to myself. Kind of like when Bonnie and Damon were stuck in that hell, but this was blissful. I wasn’t even scared, only a little. Felt safer ’cause I kept seeing cops. I was thinking about him. That’s all I do anyway, but tonight was sadder somehow. Wherever I went there was something to remind me of him. And then the sadness sinks in and makes himself comfortable in me. Leaving me numb. Thought of calling him, but brushed off the thought afraid he might say something which might leave me more hurt than I already was or worse, he might not even pick up. So I sucked it all in and headed for a long walk, solo. Listening to Ghost Stories by Coldplay all the way. I knew I was strong. He was the only thing that kept shooting me down over and over.