Monthly Archives: May 2016

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13319769_1199564780054561_2457988478265725119_nMarch 09, 2016

It bothers me, it bothers me so much that after everything that went down you still find it okay to be friends with my friends. After everything you’ve said at me, you find it okay to be coy with my friends. You find it okay to comment silly cute things on my best friends Instagram. You had the courage to wish me on my birthday, even indirectly eleven minutes past twelve. I was over the moon to wake up and find the screenshot, at first. I wanted to say Thank You, but instead I replied “It took him 11 minutes, to wish me? What’s wrong with him. Does he really think the weird and disturbed gold digger deserves a Happy Birthday? Not another fuck in the ass? Balaaeh.” And then I said to my friend how I didn’t understand she could be so cool with him, not after how he turned things around.
That’s when I realized, I don’t hate him. Not even a bit, not even at all. When I really should be outraged and furious at him, I am not. When he should be furious at me, he’s not. A part of him isn’t, if not he’d have never wished me. So how can I expect my friends to remember all the shit he said at me when even I don’t mind it. How fucked up is that. My friends only remember how much he means to me. He truly means the most to me. No matter how horribly we’ve ruined each other and everything around for us. He’s still special, so fucking special.
But later in the conversation he had asked her to not pass the message, that he’s had a change of heart, when she replied it was too late, he replied “Shit.” Well damn right, it’s shit. Everyone expects us to be going in circles but this time it’s different. It has to be. We’re never going to forgive each other, ever.
And here I am going over everything @ 9 am on my 23rd fucking Birthday while listening to “To Bid You Farewell by Opeth.”
Devotion eludes
And in sadness I lumber
In my own ashes I am standing without a soul
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Me in his T.

March 07, 2016

How do you know when you’re over someone? How do you know when your heart no longer hurts over them? You keep yourself busy until you forget what you’re actually dealing with yourself here. And then you hear that name you’ve been dreading for weeks and you flinch.  
When will I be able to hear his name and not flinch? It’s not the flinching that’s worse, it’s not knowing when. It’s not knowing for how long this would go on. See, we’ve made a full circle here. Strangers to friends to lovers and then to friends and enemies and back to strangers. When it’s all said and done, we are at where we started. Like nothing, we never existed.
So I ran far away from all of this not having to deal with it daily. But then there comes these moments where I stumble upon an old picture or a dried flower and here I am.
So what am I really doing if I am not moving forward? Staying put because what’s ahead terrifies me more than what I’ve left behind?!.
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Paper is patient, when people are not.

Had my heart-broken so many times that I’ve lost count, all my life I’ve felt like nothing but a burden to everyone around me and I hated that feeling so much. I kept pretending I could take care of myself and I keep failing and failing.

I know life is never easy but sometimes it’s kind and other times it’s just brutal. I know I’ve made mistakes, a lot of them. Horrible ones and some very bad decisions too but I learnt from them, I did. And I tried to make things right but I just suffer too much in the process it’s almost like no one cares or forgives and some just don’t forget.

“Let me just stay here for one more night, build your world around me and pull me to the light but we had time against us, miles between us. The heavens cried.”
I’m not surprised, not everything lasts.
I’ve broken my heart many times, I stopped keeping track

“Wherever you are, whenever it’s right. You’ll come out of no where and into my life.”
“Because there’s never a right time to say goodbye.”
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March 07, 2016

I don’t understand how people hold grudges against some for the longest periods of time. I have never been able to do so. There are people whom I hate for certain things they’ve done. But I don’t wish them ill and if they come up and talk to me, chances are I’d talk back too. To hell with what they’ve done. They’ll catch their own Karma. It’s not my responsibility to make them realize what they’ve done. If they are good people they’ll come to the realization without someone else having to explain why what they did was wrong. Their own voice is the best response they can get, not someone else.

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Fuck, 23.

13331048_1199549676722738_3314730540458641672_nMarch 03, 2016

Twenty Three. Twenty Fucking Three. Wow! I could so easily freak out right now. I mean Life, was supposed to be something else. I thought I’d be further ahead from where I am right now. And a week ain’t changing nothing. Have I failed? Or is it too late to accomplish everything that I have always wanted to? It’s going to be another year of nagging from my mom to find a spouse. When you are a girl you are expected to get married and start a life at a certain age apparently. But how do you work and find someone to be fully committed to. How do you do both? Without cancelling each other?.
I remember when I was seventeen, I couldn’t wait to grow a year older so I could finally get married. Not that I had anyone picked out. I just loved the idea of getting married and moving away. Was a little too eager to start over and that was when I was only eighteen. Little did I know marriage wasn’t just play. It was real and it ruins everything. 
Now every time I attend a wedding, I am asked when the hell is my turn? Erm excuse me? Do you not see that I am here all by myself? When I finally start bringing someone along with me to family occasions and functions it might be appropriate to ask me when my turn would be. But not right now, y’all keep pissing me off and driving me away with all your stupid questions like, you’re so beautiful why are you single. You wanna know why I am single? Because I am too bloody fucked up for anyone. I can’t burden someone else with all my shit. And beautiful only gets you laid or fucked in the ass. Beautiful never gets you married unless you’ve sorted yourself out. So let me do my sorting out for now. I mean c’mon, not everyone gets it right. You end up making the wrong choices too often and that wastes years of your life. Now look at me, see I’m still hung up on someone I met three years back. It doesn’t look like I’ll be over him anytime soon. And I’m not even trying, honestly I can’t do the relationship thing anymore. I let someone wreck me, it took him three years and here I am, broken, beyond repair.
So no, I do not believe everyone ends up with the perfect one. I doubt there is someone out there for each and every one of us. Sometimes you’ve just got to settle, for a kind caring heart. Hoping everything else might fall into place eventually. Crossing your fingers for shooting stars and fireworks to happen during your first kiss. You can only wish something as real could happen. But it’s not guaranteed. Often we end up disappointed and in unhappy marriages. And I never want to be that girl, I’d rather spend the rest of myself alone, by myself. I might not be the happiest, but at least no one else would be responsible for my happiness. 
Also,  since we all follow the cliché rule “age is just a number”, everything could still fall into place. Weather you’re 23 or 63. It could happen. But damn I’m getting old. All I can think of are  saggy titties and wrinkles. Oh the horror! And 23 leaves only seven  years till thirty. Ohmygod. 
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Love & War

February 29, 2016

I hope you’re proud of what you have done. I hope you’re finally happy. If putting me through hell was what you needed to do for you to shy away from everything we’ve had and my wrong doings then let this be it. 
I thought you warned me to stay away. And I did. Fairly I had stayed away since the day I ended things. But we kept crossing each other and you didn’t mind stopping by. What I had forgotten was, “all is fair in love & war”. I wasn’t aware of your dirty little plot. How could I have known, I knew there was something so very monstrous about you but I never thought you could unleash your demons and let evil spill over me. Honestly the times I’ve been with you have felt more or less like hell too often. But hey who’s counting that, all that matters now is, I have become the whore who cheated on a perfectly functional relationship and ruined everything.
Oops, my bad.
You know what sweety, you may not remember this, but the shit I’ve gone through for you to get us through, people have seen. And they remember more than I do. I often forget the worst bits because every time we got back together it was all about starting over.
A million apologies or confessions would not undo what I’ve done. But that is so fucking stupid. I cheated on you. You never found out. I broke up with you. And two months into the break up you find out shit and I become savage?. Oh please, give me a fucking break!
I know I’ve brought almost all of this on me by myself, but I never thought you’d have so much to contribute. Not after everything.
Well done. You’ve done almost everything to humiliate me, except one. And you just might do that any day now. A part of me wishes you’d do that sooner and get the hell over with it, so you no longer hold that against me. I honestly can’t handle you holding that kind of leverage over me. After that’s been done, I’d have nothing to fear from you. And I’d bet it cannot be any worse than the shit that’s been coming at me everyday for the past few weeks.
All thanks to you. All hail your demons.
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“Memories demand attention, because memories have teeth.”

February 28, 2016

I knew it, I’ve known it all along. Everyone who’s seen my blog or even if not, anyone who knew how open I was about the things I’ve been through in life asks me to shut the fuck up and never tell my the embarrassing dreadful bits to anyone. Okay they are right, for a reason. Most people aren’t as open-minded as I. I have known this, but that doesn’t stop me. Because my life and I am the outcome of everything that has happened to me. So we sugar coat the horrible bits and that leaves me with a perfect life where it doesn’t allow me to be as fucked up as I am. I am fucked up because of everything that has happened or didn’t happen. So how do I pretend they didn’t happen? How do I embrace myself without embracing the things that has made me the person I am today. Even I know, what the irrelevant people know about me today are 90% of the things I’ve written or talked about openly with someone. Of course trusting them to not spill the beans. But who can you really even trust anymore? I had no idea social media could become such a disease. But I think I always knew being so open about the worst things would come and bite me in the ass. But my policy to that has always been, a person who asks me to shut up about my issues or someone who is ashamed of my life isn’t worth being my ally. 
My mother was the first person who asked me to not tell anyone about what happened, and I asked her why? I was 19 then. And she told me because if I did I would never find anyone who would want to marry me. You know what Mom. That’s fine, because I don’t want a husband whom I can’t be myself around. And I think I’d rather spend the rest of my life just by myself. Who has the strength to love someone when they are nothing but melancholy.
And then there are the Anon Tumblr haters, who surprisingly “lol”s at the word rape. You know what? I may have been raped. Obviously sex without consent is rape. But I was too young to know what the hell was actually happening. I wasn’t saying yes. I wasn’t saying no either. The truth was I hadn’t been sleeping for months or even eating properly, I had no energy in me to fight him. And to this day, anyone whom I’ve told the story to, asks me, why didn’t you scream? why didn’t you run? You wanted it to happen, didn’t you? That’s where I stop answering. Because I do not know how to explain it any further. Where could I have run to in a foreign land with no one I knew ? How could I have screamed when I couldn’t find my voice to even ask him what the hell?
You see, this is something I thought I would forget about eventually. But its fucking annoying how it keeps coming back as I keep growing older. I mightn’t not made a big deal out of what happened. My parents may have glided it way easily than they actually should have. But the withdrawals are always there.
And today, I have to face horrible awful rumors that’s going around. Spread by I don’t even know whom, but I have a feeling someone I once deeply loved is responsible. I might have hurt someone really bad for them to turn the whole world against me, to make sure that I no longer breathe air but hate. 

 
I hope you are happy. I hope my misery makes up for what I did to you. 
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Unarmed

February 24, 2016

I am truly ashamed, of what I’ve done. Looking back there’s hardly a thing I wish I couldn’t turn around. Everything I’ve done feels wrong. Being here feels wrong.  It’s as if I’ve lived my life all wrong and done wrong to some wonderful people I came across. And that has demeaned my life completely. I’ve ruined my dearest. But remembering I realize how ruined things were along the way. I’m not blaming or even trying to justify myself even if it may seem so. It’s just I’m at a loss, how did it come to this? How could this be so nasty? Is this what I have to be in line for what I’ve done to him? How could I have done that? What was I thinking?
Truth is, I wasn’t thinking. Was swaying in the arms of another until I finally came to my senses. Called it quits as if it wasn’t that big of a deal and continued my relationship with R as if nothing happened. Not even once had it occurred to me I should confess. I was afraid to, living a lie wasn’t easy. But how could I have explained that it wasn’t because I no longer loved him? Just how. Over the months that followed fortunately we had the time of our lives, it was oh so wonderful while it lasted.
I was a woman torn between the terror that everything might change and the equal terror that everything might carry on exactly the same for the rest of my days.
 It was a prolonged bitter struggle. Soon we were fighting, he was no longer calling and by the third phase of our relationship this had become a norm. I knew him, I knew how he was. And although it was hurting I didn’t try to fix it in the same way as I had the previous times.  Deep down I was aware of my guilt. A part of me thought I deserved this after what I had done. I promised myself I would stay in this and suffer hoping that makes up for the part I’ve done wrong. Foolish of me to think that would work. Truth was I didn’t feel as guilty as I should, the guilt did not stay with me. And for a while I thought something was seriously wrong with me. It took a while before it hit me I might not be in love him the way I used to.  I concluded things at that. He began to change. Days turned into weeks and all we did was text, he did not have the time to call or meet up. I kept myself from complaining even when it drove me insane to not hear from him or to not be able to talk to him. Things were definitely not the same anymore. He was my best friend, my everything and I had my own guilty secret kept away from him. I had ended things as soon as I realized nothing was worth losing R over. Absolutely nothing would be worth losing him. He was the finest, in his own fucked up way. And I loved him for that in my own fucked up way. Except there may be times I could have been a better girlfriend and may  have failed to be there for him numerous times the way he needed me to. I had to love better before I wrecked us up.
Eventually, when he was absent from my life and took a while in returning from being indulged in his solidarity which I had no clue of, I got distracted by another man. Who gave me more time than he did. Who spent so much time with me that I only slightly missed R. And this was working fine for both of us, he failed to be there for me and I stopped annoying him with my complaints. I filled up that void by new company. We were friends and remained friends. Although there may have been feelings involved we both did nothing about it. Things moved up to the point where I sat right next to R and kept texting my SOS. Nights where I’d be sleeping with R and snuck out to call my so called friend SOS. What the hell was I doing. None of this was me. Absolutely none. I had changed. Changed into a person who no longer cried and stayed home depressed when R had no time for me. I finally had my own life with people R no longer knew of and this made me sad but truth was he was no longer there for my day to day updates. Of course he had work and all that but I had gotten a bit ahead and it was too late for him to catch up and I didn’t understand how I could tell him I had a new friend. It certainly wasn’t loneliness that drove me to SOS. I didn’t want to be the girl who would have nothing, when R leaves once again.
I thought these were valid reasons. But we’re never on the same page. I wonder how we’d do at couples therapy, who would take blame for what. That would be very interesting, more now since that will never happen. I did tell him about my new friend eventually. To my surprise, he was very diplomatic about it. Admitted to how aware he is of his absence in my life. I apologized for keeping this from him for so long. After that it didn’t take very long for me to get sick of waiting around, I got sick of not knowing what’s ahead. I got sick of uncertainty. And for the last time, I ended things with R. My cheating had nothing to do with this decision of mine. It just felt like we were going no where and he was never around and I was no longer the same person. I had changed. He had changed, he drove me away and this time for a change I was eager to get away. In the beginning he was kind about it, like any other guy he mentioned all the you deserve better’s and with advice to choose the next one wisely and what not, in hopes to remain friends. Even so, it did not take long for the hatred to kick in. Soon there were accusatory “you wasted three years of my life” texts. Well I’m sorry? I never accused you of wasting my time when you broke up with me so many times before. I do it once and I’m wasting your time? Ok.
And two months into the break up he found out I cheated on him and all hell broke lose. I denied all his accusations until I had proof he knew for sure.
My god. I should have known better, after all living is making decisions and dealing with the consequences.I don’t know why I’m writing this. Life has lost all its meaning and it’s been more than six months into the break up and so much has followed and yet there’s not a single day I do not think about him. I want to hate him but how could I? That man loved me, with all he had. And I blew it because I was looking for more. It’s such a shame to be bitter over what happened and stating these, the joke is on me obviously. Everything has become an embarrassment.
I’d told him once, someday he would watch me suffer, and he’d find pleasure in my suffering.
Today certainly is that day.
Though the brain says all is well, the soul is lost, confused, doesn’t know why life is being unfair to it.
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Last Breath

February 14, 2015

This is the end of me. This is where I give up. This is where I lose all my hope. This is where I’m done hoping for better. This is the point of no return. Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get worse it does. I’m not even living anymore, just existing. Breathing because I don’t know just when it would be my last breath and gosh if I knew how to get there any sooner what I wouldn’t do to. What I wouldn’t do for this to be my last breath. Let it be heaven or hell. I just can’t live anymore. There’s absolutely nothing to live for. Not myself, not anyone else. I had hopes. I had dreams. And now I can only dream of dying and getting rid of this world. I do not belong here. I don’t fit in. I’ll never fit in. I’ll never be understood or accepted. This is absolutely not where I want to breakdown in tears. Not here, not anywhere else. I just can’t. I cannot ever. Just please, I beg you please. Let me die in peace.

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Words.

February 09, 2016

 

I have been struggling to express myself for the past couple of weeks. I was guilty. Guilty of my thoughts and the way I felt about life. Truth is, I’m a person who likes to express myself. But my thoughts always end up on Twitter, Tumblr or here. I’ve been doing this for a long time, this is not something I started doing yesterday because I found someone. None of these efforts are to impress anyone. This is all for me. And none of this is a desperate cry for attention. That’s where people misunderstand me. And who am I to go on correcting others about their views on me? That’s not who I am. You could tell me anything and I’d nod in silence because my efforts in explaining things to the world or even the closest of all are miserable failed attempts. What I’ve learned in the past couple of weeks is that nobody will truly understand you. You can go on and waste hours telling them your story but they’ll only listen to the things they want to hear. And the words that come out from your mouth until it reaches their ears it might perceive a complete different meaning. They’ve got to be you to know you. For example, people who see my pictures on Tumblr and Instagram, they’ll judge me. But the fact is I’ve been like this since forever and the gossips have just recently caught on. Doesn’t change who I am. It’s just my way of life. My faith is still intact and so is my heart. And I’ve got nothing to prove. 
Telling people about you is a complete waste of time. If they want to get to know you, stop telling them your stories. Instead spend time with them. Do things you enjoy together, eventually you’ll find what you need to. In this small town rumors fly. But anyone who’d believe any of the bullshit that’s been going around does not deserve your company or even your smile. I’m not perfect. I have fucked up and I have fucked up big. I have hurt people I love the most. And no sorry in the world could take their sorrow back. But I am so sorry. And the circle goes on. Karma comes right at you when you least thought of it. I am someone who will always be able to take responsibility for my mistakes. 
I was a fool to think my Mr. Big could forgive me. But even if he couldn’t he didn’t have to sleep with my best friend, twice. And to pretend none of that happened. Did I deserve that from the two people I loved the most? Perhaps not, perhaps yes. But it happened. And here I am. That changed everything for me. I am one of the most trusting people, but this changed it for me. There’s not a single soul you can trust out there, you can love someone with all you’ve got and still eventually fuck up. Let’s face it, we are humans after all and we make mistakes. We learn from them. But going around telling everyone that the girl you were with for the past few years is a whore/gold digger/prostitute…etc., what the actual fuck is that? For sure when you’ve spent a certain time loving someone they see you truly naked, with your deepest flaws and ugliest secrets. But to exaggerate them and to spread this around just so you can belittle her and make sure she never finds another soul who’d love her, what is that? I didn’t have it in me to stand up for myself, I didn’t see any reason to. Because all these were coming from a guy who most openly posted my nudes on his Instagram while we were dating, for his amusement and call me stupid but I was okay with it until my friends scolded me to death. They helped me see what was wrong. I was so okay with anything that he was okay with. That wasn’t love, it was stupidity. And once asked to remove them we had a huge row and he commanded that I never send him any such again. And as a girl who loved to photograph I was heartbroken. The one man I was most willingly giving myself for no longer allowed me to be so open. 
He had threatened me to not post shit anywhere last week, shit as in posts about him or tweets aimed at him and such or else he’d make my life a living hell and make flyers of my whoring around apparently. His words, not mine. You know what sweety, you are my hell. And I most respectfully have walked with you in hell. But I’m done. I’m done letting your threats take the tolls of my life.
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