Monthly Archives: May 2016

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How blind is love. How blind are we.

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May 08, 2016

Ever wondered why you’ve never come across an article which said “Uncle seduced by Teen.” hm?I don’t know, I’m not one to say this would never happen. But even if it did the guardian should be able to stop whatever sickness was going on? Or are men too weak they lose their conscience after a sight of tit’s in a see through shirt or even not. 

See, I’ve been blamed and accused of seducing an uncle. An uncle that I’m never even aware of having. There are rumors, and there are confessions. And then assumptions. Then there a dots connected by people who don’t have a single clue about you. Now, I’m a talker, I go on and on about my life or I used to. I think I was looking for comfort or was desperate to be understood. And it took me a million wrong confessions to a few people to finally understand, no one really cares, you know? Absolutely no one gives a fuck. 

It was my weakness that I looked for love in all the wrong places from all the wrong people. I thought at least someone would see me beyond the mess I’ve become. I thought if I gave them a chance they’d put an effort for me too. I’ve never been more wrong. They just don’t care. Or they fail to understand how one person can carry this much baggage. 

So these accusations and these blames and these threats, that’s how its going to be. What am I ashamed of? My life? no. I’m not. Because I had no control over the events that followed in my early years. Those weren’t all my decisions, my parents decided for me and now that everything has gone to shit they avoid talking about it and blame me instead. Like everyone else. 

 I’m more ashamed of my wrong judgement in people I confided in. I’m more ashamed of the person I loved and trusted with my soul and my darkest deepest confessions hoping a corner of him would understand. I’m more ashamed I thought I was loved by someone and let him have my pictures and what not, only to see them going around now. That’s okay. I made a mistake. Like we all do at some point. A couple of mistakes actually. See the lesson here is, you think you know someone, but you don’t. You think you know what they are capable of, but you don’t. Like you see exactly what he would do, and all the signs are telling you its him, it’s him. But you wouldn’t believe. Because you didn’t love a monster, you thought. You thought he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, despite all the pain and the abuse. 

How blind is love. How blind are we.

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I’m sorry Mamma.

May 06, 2016

Mamma, I miss you.
I know we were never close to begin with. But that doesn’t mean I love you any less. I do, I love you with all my heart but it honestly kills me everyday to see how disappointed you are in me. I tried Mamma, I really tried. I wish you knew how cruel this world is. Nor is it the same as the one you grew up in. I’ve struggled Mamma, I’ve struggled a lot. I know you have too. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t turn out any better. It would be easier to die than live the life that I’m living, but I can’t kill myself knowing how it might affect you and Kokko. You both are literally everything and I can’t even show my face to either of you. I’ve let you down so bad. I thought it would get better. I thought life would get better. I thought I would heal.
So many things I can’t even forgive you for Mamma. But then you’d always say it’s my fault. I remember the million times I ran away from home. I remember the million times I cam home late and you asked me to find another place to live. And times when you’d ask me every day to find my own place and go. Where could I go Mamma? Who would take in someone her own Mother didn’t want to take? These echoes still live with me. Everyday. 
You’ve asked me to leave so many times then how can you blame me for being eager to run off? I left Mamma, I thought it would be best if I left. But no. It ruined me. He hurt me Mamma. He hurt me so much. He would kick me out of the house too. And I had nowhere to go in that foreign land. Mamma I died everyday. I didn’t see coming back home was a choice. Where did I belong? Where did I fit in? Who was looking out for me?
Mamma, my friends, they don’t have these problems. Their lives are so different. Then why me?
Don’t tell me you only hated me when I grew up. I remember being seven and crying when you said I was such a show off around Bappa. I always felt that he loved me more Mamma, he did. I know he did. you hated me. I’m sorry Mamma but I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know how to undo my life. I don’t know how to undo all those horrible things I’ve done because all I wanted was to survive. To live. I can’t go on like this Mamma. I need a home. Even if it’s my grave I lay in, I need a home. I can’t go on anymore. I’m sorry Mamma. I tried. 
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He’s a Pig.

We ended up talking through the night. See I love talking to you, you make me laugh without even trying. Days that I never wanted to smile and I’d to hear from you and those days were better than my Birthday’s.   

I was fine, I had zoned you. promised myself you’d never be anything more than a friend. But then you, typical you. Barged in an altered the entire thing leaving my emotions all over the place. Why, why did you have to tell me what you did. When half of them had  carried no meaning whatsoever.

You’re just damn good with your smart mouth with words that leave me aching for more. 

I can’t. I just can’t and  don’t ask me to reason because I don’t know how to. I just know I can’t let you in again, the way I did before.

I did once, thought about nothing but you and where’d that leave me. I was hurt. I can’t hurt again.

 And look what you’ve done? I’d texted you two days back, on the dumbest matter of all and yet I can’t even get a seen notification from you. If this was me any other day I would block you without thinking twice, but it is me, today. And I can’t. I can’t do this again. I’m much weaker than I’d thought. You’ve become my kryptonite. And I hate it, I hate it so much. You don’t deserve to have so much control over me. But at this point what more can I do. I am in the most pathetic phase of a thing that I don’t even know how to define. 

Maybe I really am losing my mind, finally. 

How did you become one of these? how did you become one of the guys I write off in agony. How’d you become this? You were so much kinder, or so I thought.

You were supposed to be good. You were supposed to be a friend. I wrote off any feelings I had for you so very quickly when I realized you weren’t always going to be there. Then how, then why? I know you know exactly how I feel. I know you know I don’t like what I’m feeling, not one bit. Then why. Why wouldn’t you stay gone. Like forever. Just go please, and never come back I beg you. I can’t play this game. This can’t be this twisted. 

I’d like to dispose you, but sadly, you aren’t very disposable. 

I’m done. I’m blocking you. I’d already blocked you from everything. That is until you moved here and got a new number. And you just had to ring me up didn’t you. You fucking Pig. You must’ve thought oh she might be over what I did let’s give her something new to wallow in and just take it away. No warning. I hate your existence. 

Fuck you. But I’m sorry you don’t know how insane I am, or how much I like you. Or you do. Which makes you an asshole. So really, Fuck you.  

P.S. There’s no such as sexily fucked up. Just fucked up. Fuck all those bull where you acted all jealous. Fuck it. Fuck you. Just fuck you.  

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Wake

April 28, 2016

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“She finds it hard to trust someone.”

 

That’s the first line of a song I’ve been listening to daily for the past two weeks. Just realized why I’ve been doing that though. Of course I find it hard to trust someone, or anyone. But the song gets better as it goes on. “Unbreakable by Jamie Scott” the name says it all and I can only hope it relates as much as I think it does.
“She’s the girl in the corner,
She’s the girl nobody loved.”
What doesn’t make sense is what’s my writing mojo up and doing 3 am on a cold April night. I should be well cuddled under my love blanket, it’s all red and fluffy and hugs me like I haven’t been hugged in a while.
I was watching Sex & the City, almost done with the last season where all the good things happen. Mr. Big pleading after Carrie trying to express his love on an empty street while she shoo’s him away and elopes to Paris with the artist who ended up buying her Diamonds and shit, because she was so damn sick of New York and needed amazing things to happen. She needed life to happen, she needed to move on. She made the right choice. Paris with the artist. But in the middle of the crowd with the Diamonds around her neckline, in that foreign land when it got most noisy she realized that this hasn’t made her any happier. She missed home.
Coming to, I need to move on. (Yes everything has to be about me. Jk.) How long am I going to be hung up on worlds most toxic relationship ever with a pinch of insanity, destruction and narcissism on the side. At this point everybody but me can clearly see how wrong my choices were. Whether it be to be with someone or not. I know I’m way too much in love with the memories and have been cherishing the past like the best of the years has been done. But with my illness, there was always more than what met the eye. I’ve always known this but I hated to believe he could be what he is. It’s been 8 months and 12 days since I’ve overcome my illness, as I’d like to refer to it from now on. Though the wake prolonged.
I felt like texting someone. Not jut someone, well he’s special. In a way. Since he’s been around far longer than I expected and he’s been a good friend even though a little bit of a Pig. He’s been somewhat good to me. And since I no longer do the texting thing anymore or even barely replying to any texts these days. I needed to text him. But I wasn’t sure if I should. So I took out a piece of paper, took a pen and closed my eyes. Wrote on it to go for it or to not.  Tore them apart, still eyes closed, folded them and threw them on the other side of my bed. And with eyes closed still, I picked one. Opened my eyes and I don’t know if it’s the most reliable source but it was the paper that said Go for it. And since I picked it up blindly I’d like to believe it was the universe and if it backfires I can always blame the universe. I know I know, I’m 23 and should be able to make better solid prompt decisions. But I can’t. My guts are fucked up. So what if he doesn’t reply? That’s okay. I mean my life has always been about taking chances and being disappointed half of the time. What’s the worst that could happen? No reply? fine. Can live with that. But yay he did reply. Wow I sound like a child. You’d think 23 would make someone a little mature but no. My instincts refuse to.
So yeah Mr. Big, I’m hoping he could be something like it. I mean he probably won’t but I’ve gotta start hoping again. Start thinking that the world isn’t full of monsters and stop being so cynical. And stop being so afraid because whenever I think it’ll break me, it definitely does. Maybe this will only leave a crack and I can glue it back and decorate the crack and still look fab. Because I’ve gotta.
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Your problems are as big as you make them.

April 22, 2016

A friend I met today told me “Your problems are as big as you make them.” Five hours later, that statement made a lot more sense. 

See, life is hell again. It feels like somehow I’m seventeen all over once more. But the best part about being seventeen was that I had my whole life ahead of me, or so I believed. I knew I had time to evolve and become the bigger and better person I could be. Today it’s worse because my whole life isn’t ahead of me. What I thought lay ahead when I was seventeen, I’m living now. This is what lay ahead. 
I can’t help but think I chose to live life all wrong. After everything so horrible my faith is still intact even if I may fail to live unto what I believe. 
Then again there’s the other side to it. If I hadn’t done all that I had done I wouldn’t be this person I am. I did what I did to survive. People find their pleasure in all the odd ways of life and what I may have chosen may be too strange. 
I may have a long dating history and bared myself to one two many people and gave my all to the worst there could exist. And after years of looking and seeking what I’d been missing my whole life here I am, still empty. More emptier than I’d ever been.
But that’s life you know? How can you ever face something you couldn’t win against? Why attach yourself to all those temporary things. Like even your hair, don’t get attached to your hair because eventually your hairline will recede and your face won’t glow the same. Just like that, don’t get attached to the people you come across or the phone you have or the money you earn. Because at the end of the day, the people you have or the phone you use and your account balance are completely irrelevant. 
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It’s frustrating how our future relies on a piece of paper.

April 12, 2016

Perhaps I am in no place to voice my opinion on this matter considering never having worked with Recruitment or Human Resources, though something I have been told repeatedly ever since I joined working is that jobs should not be changed frequently. It is somehow the rarely spoken Golden Rule of any employee. In fear of lack of commitment and inconstancy being interpreted on your résumé.
However I cannot bring myself to completely agree with this ethical conduct. Why must we continue in a job that does not make us happy only to portray how reliable we are on our résumé? Why must we tolerate harassment to complete our contract? Why must we refuse a better offer and halt miserably to pass probation. Looks to me like we are wasting our valuable time while we could have worked towards a better achievement. What is indeed an acceptable, reasonable amount of time we should work in one particular organisation for? Two years or more? If so that is a lot of time to spend on a dead-end job. If you have already acquired sufficient experience in your field even three months on a dead end job is a complete waste of time. As employees why should we stop looking to grow and go further.
I can assure you that if you take good care of your employees they wouldn’t want to hop jobs. There are often times when the job happens to be great, the pay is great, but the team and the leaders aren’t. A good team is essential in order to work better together. Seldom you find yourself more content and happy in a job that pays less but where you are well appreciated with good people and good energy around you.
I see no reason we must forbid ourselves from taking chances when we aren’t quite satisfied with where we are when better things could be coming your way? How would you know what you’re missing out on if you won’t take these chances? Opportunities come and go but if you deny to step outside the box you just might miss what you’re looking for.
All I’m trying to say is I don’t quite understand or agree with the fact we have to stay in a dead-end job to complete a year or more just so it looks good on ou résumé to prove our commitment.
Maybe I am wrong, and there are some insights I’m missing. But this is just my opinion.
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March 27, 2016

Not that I’ve been losing sleep over it, but I miss him. You’d think after almost eight months it’d have toned down a whole lot. It hasn’t. Just not completely, nights and days in whims of what is and what could have been.
I’ve made my peace with what is, I haven’t forgiven myself for what I did and I never will. I know we still are very young and there’ll be countless times we’ll end up fucking up without considering the many factors of consequences. Our immature actions will end up costing valuable relationships and trust. But these are all lessons; these are all heartbreaks to gain from. It’s not always about losing a boyfriend. Sometimes it’s more, it’s losing the friend you had in him too that will give you an ache that lasts longer than a heart-break does. Someone whom I used to bombard with my life for years had now left and gone off becoming someone I never knew at all. Along with his absence he’s left a certain kind of darkness for me to live with for forever to come. And it’s painful; it hurts my ego knowing I am held responsible for the damage that’s caused this. This also could be a little about wanting to have what I can no longer have. When I broke up with him I honestly did not put much thought into it, we were hanging by a thread and I knew sooner or later this would be it and I just couldn’t have him walk out on me again, that would’ve killed me. I was certain this wasn’t what I wanted to settle for. I was certain I had given enough of myself only to be shot over and over again. I knew it was going to hurt and there were going to be days I really miss him and all. But I was certain I had compromised enough. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I knew days would come where I’d wish to go back and undo this, but I thought I would understand. 
See, we let them go hoping someone better will eventually come along. What we fail to realize is that someone better will never truly know us the way what killed us did. There’s no way they’ll understand how fucked up you are or how much of a pain in the ass you can be at times. There’s no way another could love you after seeing how horrifying yet beautiful you are. 

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Of you.

March 18, 2016

I keep thinking about going back, going back to all those times where I felt nothing but happy with you. I wish I could undo what I had done so I’d still have an opening in your life. I love you. I’m sorry.
Would you’ve kept me happy had I not cheated? Would you’ve treated me all right if Id not cheated? Would you? No. You wouldn’t have. We’d been dating since 2013 and you’ve called me a slut long back when I’d done nothing wrong. You’ve ditched me multiple times. Argued with me horribly for the most pointless things. I was always too much for you. You were always on the edge with me. And lately I had to not say or not call or just not be around at all ‘cuz I didn’t know I dint know how to be myself without you getting mad at me or leaving me for no reason. You had broken my heart and left me when I most needed you. I just didn’t want you to leave again. But I ended up losing you anyway. Luckily I’d grown and learnt to not run after you. I could keep writing about you until I fall out of this. But even today, all my thoughts are of you.

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After every fuck up.

March 16, 2016

I know you’re mad. You have every right to be. If I were you I’d never speak to me again. I’d just run as far as I could and never return no matter what feelings I may have. Cuz no body deserves to be treated like the way I treat you at times. However inconsiderate however pissed that’s no excuse. And I’m sorry so very deeply. But that’s the thing. It’s like the person who hits you once will cry and shower you with flowers when they are guilty and yet do it again. And the cycle will repeat. When they buy you flowers you think they are good again and would never hurt you. That’s not true. They would. Cuz they have their own issues and you just happen to be the easiest person to bash on since you willingly stand in the way of the person and their life hoping you could make things easier for the other. But you’re wrong. They don’t want you or even need you. At times they’d miss you and that’s the most. And there’ll be times they are so loving but that won’t last cuz whatever’s eating them up will always be there and will strike eventually and you’ll always be the victim. And I don’t want to treat you like that. I’m so sorry for the things that I say and the words that I do not mean.

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March 14, 2016

If you only knew, if you only knew what I truly want. I want a family. A loving husband whom I can spend rest of my days with. A home. Someone to come home to. Someone worth learning to cook for. Children, a marriage, a life. That’s what I want. A freaking Life, god damn it! That’s all I want. I don’t enjoy packing my bags and leaving from one place to another. This isn’t living. It’s exhausting. I hate packing, I hate new places, I hate new things.
 But I’m too afraid to admit or say it out loud, because I’m not sure if I’ll ever have any of these. Wanting things you’re not sure of ever having is terrifying. What if you get all your hopes up and realize far too late that none of this is in the cards for you. I don’t feel good enough to want any of these things. So I’m not looking.
I am no longer living, just existing. Because my life has lost its purpose and I don’t see any reason to live for, anymore. 
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