May 06, 2016
Mamma, I miss you.
I know we were never close to begin with. But that doesn’t mean I love you any less. I do, I love you with all my heart but it honestly kills me everyday to see how disappointed you are in me. I tried Mamma, I really tried. I wish you knew how cruel this world is. Nor is it the same as the one you grew up in. I’ve struggled Mamma, I’ve struggled a lot. I know you have too. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t turn out any better. It would be easier to die than live the life that I’m living, but I can’t kill myself knowing how it might affect you and Kokko. You both are literally everything and I can’t even show my face to either of you. I’ve let you down so bad. I thought it would get better. I thought life would get better. I thought I would heal.
So many things I can’t even forgive you for Mamma. But then you’d always say it’s my fault. I remember the million times I ran away from home. I remember the million times I cam home late and you asked me to find another place to live. And times when you’d ask me every day to find my own place and go. Where could I go Mamma? Who would take in someone her own Mother didn’t want to take? These echoes still live with me. Everyday.
You’ve asked me to leave so many times then how can you blame me for being eager to run off? I left Mamma, I thought it would be best if I left. But no. It ruined me. He hurt me Mamma. He hurt me so much. He would kick me out of the house too. And I had nowhere to go in that foreign land. Mamma I died everyday. I didn’t see coming back home was a choice. Where did I belong? Where did I fit in? Who was looking out for me?
Mamma, my friends, they don’t have these problems. Their lives are so different. Then why me?
Don’t tell me you only hated me when I grew up. I remember being seven and crying when you said I was such a show off around Bappa. I always felt that he loved me more Mamma, he did. I know he did. you hated me. I’m sorry Mamma but I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know how to undo my life. I don’t know how to undo all those horrible things I’ve done because all I wanted was to survive. To live. I can’t go on like this Mamma. I need a home. Even if it’s my grave I lay in, I need a home. I can’t go on anymore. I’m sorry Mamma. I tried.
I know we were never close to begin with. But that doesn’t mean I love you any less. I do, I love you with all my heart but it honestly kills me everyday to see how disappointed you are in me. I tried Mamma, I really tried. I wish you knew how cruel this world is. Nor is it the same as the one you grew up in. I’ve struggled Mamma, I’ve struggled a lot. I know you have too. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t turn out any better. It would be easier to die than live the life that I’m living, but I can’t kill myself knowing how it might affect you and Kokko. You both are literally everything and I can’t even show my face to either of you. I’ve let you down so bad. I thought it would get better. I thought life would get better. I thought I would heal.
So many things I can’t even forgive you for Mamma. But then you’d always say it’s my fault. I remember the million times I ran away from home. I remember the million times I cam home late and you asked me to find another place to live. And times when you’d ask me every day to find my own place and go. Where could I go Mamma? Who would take in someone her own Mother didn’t want to take? These echoes still live with me. Everyday.
You’ve asked me to leave so many times then how can you blame me for being eager to run off? I left Mamma, I thought it would be best if I left. But no. It ruined me. He hurt me Mamma. He hurt me so much. He would kick me out of the house too. And I had nowhere to go in that foreign land. Mamma I died everyday. I didn’t see coming back home was a choice. Where did I belong? Where did I fit in? Who was looking out for me?
Mamma, my friends, they don’t have these problems. Their lives are so different. Then why me?
Don’t tell me you only hated me when I grew up. I remember being seven and crying when you said I was such a show off around Bappa. I always felt that he loved me more Mamma, he did. I know he did. you hated me. I’m sorry Mamma but I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know how to undo my life. I don’t know how to undo all those horrible things I’ve done because all I wanted was to survive. To live. I can’t go on like this Mamma. I need a home. Even if it’s my grave I lay in, I need a home. I can’t go on anymore. I’m sorry Mamma. I tried.
She Was Sea 