March 27, 2016
Not that I’ve been losing sleep over it, but I miss him. You’d think after almost eight months it’d have toned down a whole lot. It hasn’t. Just not completely, nights and days in whims of what is and what could have been.
I’ve made my peace with what is, I haven’t forgiven myself for what I did and I never will. I know we still are very young and there’ll be countless times we’ll end up fucking up without considering the many factors of consequences. Our immature actions will end up costing valuable relationships and trust. But these are all lessons; these are all heartbreaks to gain from. It’s not always about losing a boyfriend. Sometimes it’s more, it’s losing the friend you had in him too that will give you an ache that lasts longer than a heart-break does. Someone whom I used to bombard with my life for years had now left and gone off becoming someone I never knew at all. Along with his absence he’s left a certain kind of darkness for me to live with for forever to come. And it’s painful; it hurts my ego knowing I am held responsible for the damage that’s caused this. This also could be a little about wanting to have what I can no longer have. When I broke up with him I honestly did not put much thought into it, we were hanging by a thread and I knew sooner or later this would be it and I just couldn’t have him walk out on me again, that would’ve killed me. I was certain this wasn’t what I wanted to settle for. I was certain I had given enough of myself only to be shot over and over again. I knew it was going to hurt and there were going to be days I really miss him and all. But I was certain I had compromised enough. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I knew days would come where I’d wish to go back and undo this, but I thought I would understand.
See, we let them go hoping someone better will eventually come along. What we fail to realize is that someone better will never truly know us the way what killed us did. There’s no way they’ll understand how fucked up you are or how much of a pain in the ass you can be at times. There’s no way another could love you after seeing how horrifying yet beautiful you are.
She Was Sea 