March 14, 2016
If you only knew, if you only knew what I truly want. I want a family. A loving husband whom I can spend rest of my days with. A home. Someone to come home to. Someone worth learning to cook for. Children, a marriage, a life. That’s what I want. A freaking Life, god damn it! That’s all I want. I don’t enjoy packing my bags and leaving from one place to another. This isn’t living. It’s exhausting. I hate packing, I hate new places, I hate new things.
But I’m too afraid to admit or say it out loud, because I’m not sure if I’ll ever have any of these. Wanting things you’re not sure of ever having is terrifying. What if you get all your hopes up and realize far too late that none of this is in the cards for you. I don’t feel good enough to want any of these things. So I’m not looking.
I am no longer living, just existing. Because my life has lost its purpose and I don’t see any reason to live for, anymore.
But I’m too afraid to admit or say it out loud, because I’m not sure if I’ll ever have any of these. Wanting things you’re not sure of ever having is terrifying. What if you get all your hopes up and realize far too late that none of this is in the cards for you. I don’t feel good enough to want any of these things. So I’m not looking.
I am no longer living, just existing. Because my life has lost its purpose and I don’t see any reason to live for, anymore.
She Was Sea 