“October 26, 2014 (04:23am)

I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know what to do. I miss you. And no I don’t want a freaking break. I love you. And I’m always going to be here. And I’ll try to be whatever you need me to be. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what I’ll do without you. And no these aren’t just the things that I’m saying, I really mean every word. It’s truly how i feel. I can’t make it go away, I don’t even want to think about moving on from you. I can’t do that. but I don’t know how you feel about me anymore. However we are, as long as we’re together and you’re mine. That’s good enough. I’ll put up with the fighting and do whatever you ask me. Please be mine. i really love you and I don’t want to feel this way about anyone else. So I want to make this work. I’ll do anything for this to work. I know  this sounds crazy and desperate and pathetic. I know, I can’t help it. I am all of that. I can’t be without you. I can’t leave you, I’m so sorry. No matter what happens, no matter what you say or how tough things get, I’ll always want you, and only you. But do stop me if you feel otherwise. You are allowed to not feel the same. That would definitely hurt like a bitch but do tell if anything has changed. I don’t want to add into your stress so I’ll quietly stay away. Just come and hold me when you need me, if you ever do. I really miss you. Even when I’m with you. Because you seem so distant and far away. And that scares me, scares me that you might never find your way back to me. I know we are drifting further and further apart everyday, and I can’t even do anything about it. That sucks. So this is all I can do. Tell you how I feel, remind you what you mean to me.So that even if i Have to walk away, I’ll have no regrets. Since I’ve done all I could. And I pray to god that day never comes. ‘Cause I can’t walk away from the one thing that holds my world together. I’ll be patient and understanding and not demand a thing. Just please stay. I know you’ve told me a million times that you’d never leave but I kinda felt leaving made more sense tonight and that’s why I’m freaking out. I can’t be without you, I need you. I never felt like this. Not since the first time we broke up. I’m desperate and I’ll do anything to make you stay. It would mean the world to me if you stayed without pitying me. I know I’m a mess. I’m sorry I just love you like crazy. Sorry.”

I wrote this after he dropped me home, for the last time. It felt like goodbye even though nothing was said. And it was, he broke up with me two days later. I never got the chance to give him the letter. I didn’t even get a goodbye hug or even a kiss. After 20 months of chaos. It’s over.