February 09, 2016
I have been struggling to express myself for the past couple of weeks. I was guilty. Guilty of my thoughts and the way I felt about life. Truth is, I’m a person who likes to express myself. But my thoughts always end up on Twitter, Tumblr or here. I’ve been doing this for a long time, this is not something I started doing yesterday because I found someone. None of these efforts are to impress anyone. This is all for me. And none of this is a desperate cry for attention. That’s where people misunderstand me. And who am I to go on correcting others about their views on me? That’s not who I am. You could tell me anything and I’d nod in silence because my efforts in explaining things to the world or even the closest of all are miserable failed attempts. What I’ve learned in the past couple of weeks is that nobody will truly understand you. You can go on and waste hours telling them your story but they’ll only listen to the things they want to hear. And the words that come out from your mouth until it reaches their ears it might perceive a complete different meaning. They’ve got to be you to know you. For example, people who see my pictures on Tumblr and Instagram, they’ll judge me. But the fact is I’ve been like this since forever and the gossips have just recently caught on. Doesn’t change who I am. It’s just my way of life. My faith is still intact and so is my heart. And I’ve got nothing to prove.
Telling people about you is a complete waste of time. If they want to get to know you, stop telling them your stories. Instead spend time with them. Do things you enjoy together, eventually you’ll find what you need to. In this small town rumors fly. But anyone who’d believe any of the bullshit that’s been going around does not deserve your company or even your smile. I’m not perfect. I have fucked up and I have fucked up big. I have hurt people I love the most. And no sorry in the world could take their sorrow back. But I am so sorry. And the circle goes on. Karma comes right at you when you least thought of it. I am someone who will always be able to take responsibility for my mistakes.
I was a fool to think my Mr. Big could forgive me. But even if he couldn’t he didn’t have to sleep with my best friend, twice. And to pretend none of that happened. Did I deserve that from the two people I loved the most? Perhaps not, perhaps yes. But it happened. And here I am. That changed everything for me. I am one of the most trusting people, but this changed it for me. There’s not a single soul you can trust out there, you can love someone with all you’ve got and still eventually fuck up. Let’s face it, we are humans after all and we make mistakes. We learn from them. But going around telling everyone that the girl you were with for the past few years is a whore/gold digger/prostitute…etc., what the actual fuck is that? For sure when you’ve spent a certain time loving someone they see you truly naked, with your deepest flaws and ugliest secrets. But to exaggerate them and to spread this around just so you can belittle her and make sure she never finds another soul who’d love her, what is that? I didn’t have it in me to stand up for myself, I didn’t see any reason to. Because all these were coming from a guy who most openly posted my nudes on his Instagram while we were dating, for his amusement and call me stupid but I was okay with it until my friends scolded me to death. They helped me see what was wrong. I was so okay with anything that he was okay with. That wasn’t love, it was stupidity. And once asked to remove them we had a huge row and he commanded that I never send him any such again. And as a girl who loved to photograph I was heartbroken. The one man I was most willingly giving myself for no longer allowed me to be so open.
He had threatened me to not post shit anywhere last week, shit as in posts about him or tweets aimed at him and such or else he’d make my life a living hell and make flyers of my whoring around apparently. His words, not mine. You know what sweety, you are my hell. And I most respectfully have walked with you in hell. But I’m done. I’m done letting your threats take the tolls of my life.
I was a fool to think my Mr. Big could forgive me. But even if he couldn’t he didn’t have to sleep with my best friend, twice. And to pretend none of that happened. Did I deserve that from the two people I loved the most? Perhaps not, perhaps yes. But it happened. And here I am. That changed everything for me. I am one of the most trusting people, but this changed it for me. There’s not a single soul you can trust out there, you can love someone with all you’ve got and still eventually fuck up. Let’s face it, we are humans after all and we make mistakes. We learn from them. But going around telling everyone that the girl you were with for the past few years is a whore/gold digger/prostitute…etc., what the actual fuck is that? For sure when you’ve spent a certain time loving someone they see you truly naked, with your deepest flaws and ugliest secrets. But to exaggerate them and to spread this around just so you can belittle her and make sure she never finds another soul who’d love her, what is that? I didn’t have it in me to stand up for myself, I didn’t see any reason to. Because all these were coming from a guy who most openly posted my nudes on his Instagram while we were dating, for his amusement and call me stupid but I was okay with it until my friends scolded me to death. They helped me see what was wrong. I was so okay with anything that he was okay with. That wasn’t love, it was stupidity. And once asked to remove them we had a huge row and he commanded that I never send him any such again. And as a girl who loved to photograph I was heartbroken. The one man I was most willingly giving myself for no longer allowed me to be so open.
He had threatened me to not post shit anywhere last week, shit as in posts about him or tweets aimed at him and such or else he’d make my life a living hell and make flyers of my whoring around apparently. His words, not mine. You know what sweety, you are my hell. And I most respectfully have walked with you in hell. But I’m done. I’m done letting your threats take the tolls of my life.
She Was Sea 