I am truly ashamed, of what I’ve done. Looking back there’s hardly a thing I wish I couldn’t turn around. Everything I’ve done feels wrong. Being here feels wrong.  It’s as if I’ve lived my life all wrong and done wrong to some wonderful people I came across. And that has demeaned my life completely. I’ve ruined my dearest. But remembering I realize how ruined things were along the way. I’m not blaming or even trying to justify myself even if it may seem so. It’s just I’m at a loss, how did it come to this? How could this be so nasty? Is this what I have to be in line for what I’ve done to him? How could I have done that? What was I thinking?

Truth is, I wasn’t thinking. Was swaying in the arms of another until I finally came to my senses. Called it quits as if it wasn’t that big of a deal and continued my relationship with R as if nothing happened. Not even once had it occurred to me I should confess. I was afraid to, living a lie wasn’t easy. But how could I have explained that it wasn’t because I no longer loved him? Just how. Over the months that followed fortunately we had the time of our lives, it was oh so wonderful while it lasted.

 It was a prolonged bitter struggle. Soon we were fighting, he was no longer calling and by the third phase of our relationship this had become a norm. I knew him, I knew how he was. And although it was hurting I didn’t try to fix it in the same way as I had the previous times.  Deep down I was aware of my guilt. A part of me thought I deserved this after what I had done. I promised myself I would stay in this and suffer hoping that makes up for the part I’ve done wrong. Foolish of me to think that would work. Truth was I didn’t feel as guilty as I should, the guilt did not stay with me. And for a while I thought something was seriously wrong with me. It took a while before it hit me I might not be in love him the way I used to.  I concluded things at that. He began to change. Days turned into weeks and all we did was text, he did not have the time to call or meet up. I kept myself from complaining even when it drove me insane to not hear from him or to not be able to talk to him. Things were definitely not the same anymore. He was my best friend, my everything and I had my own guilty secret kept away from him. I had ended things as soon as I realized nothing was worth losing R over. Absolutely nothing would be worth losing him. He was the finest, in his own fucked up way. And I loved him for that in my own fucked up way. Except there may be times I could have been a better girlfriend and may  have failed to be there for him numerous times the way he needed me to. I had to love better before I wrecked us up.

Eventually, when he was absent from my life and took a while in returning from being indulged in his solidarity which I had no clue of, I got distracted by another man. Who gave me more time than he did. Who spent so much time with me that I only slightly missed R. And this was working fine for both of us, he failed to be there for me and I stopped annoying him with my complaints. I filled up that void by new company. We were friends and remained friends. Although there may have been feelings involved we both did nothing about it. Things moved up to the point where I sat right next to R and kept texting my SOS. Nights where I’d be sleeping with R and snuck out to call my so called friend SOS. What the hell was I doing. None of this was me. Absolutely none. I had changed. Changed into a person who no longer cried and stayed home depressed when R had no time for me. I finally had my own life with people R no longer knew of and this made me sad but truth was he was no longer there for my day to day updates. Of course he had work and all that but I had gotten a bit ahead and it was too late for him to catch up and I didn’t understand how I could tell him I had a new friend. It certainly wasn’t loneliness that drove me to SOS. I didn’t want to be the girl who would have nothing, when R leaves once again.

I thought these were valid reasons. But we’re never on the same page. I wonder how we’d do at couples therapy, who would take blame for what. That would be very interesting, more now since that will never happen. I did tell him about my new friend eventually. To my surprise, he was very diplomatic about it. Admitted to how aware he is of his absence in my life. I apologized for keeping this from him for so long. After that it didn’t take very long for me to get sick of waiting around, I got sick of not knowing what’s ahead. I got sick of uncertainty. And for the last time, I ended things with R. My cheating had nothing to do with this decision of mine. It just felt like we were going no where and he was never around and I was no longer the same person. I had changed. He had changed, he drove me away and this time for a change I was eager to get away. In the beginning he was kind about it, like any other guy he mentioned all the you deserve better’s and with advice to choose the next one wisely and what not, in hopes to remain friends. Even so, it did not take long for the hatred to kick in. Soon there were accusatory “you wasted three years of my life” texts. Well I’m sorry? I never accused you of wasting my time when you broke up with me so many times before. I do it once and I’m wasting your time? Ok.

And two months into the break up he found out I cheated on him and all hell broke lose. I denied all his accusations until I had proof he knew for sure.

My god. I should have known better, after all living is making decisions and dealing with the consequences.I don’t know why I’m writing this. Life has lost all its meaning and it’s been more than six months into the break up and so much has followed and yet there’s not a single day I do not think about him. I want to hate him but how could I? That man loved me, with all he had. And I blew it because I was looking for more. It’s such a shame to be bitter over what happened and stating these, the joke is on me obviously. Everything has become an embarrassment.

I’d told him once, someday he would watch me suffer, and he’d find pleasure in my suffering.

Today certainly is that day.