October 13, 2014

I’d begun to miss talking our way into the night until sleep left us no choice. The last couple of days I’ve been waking up to your missed calls. Which meant you reached home late and I’ve already fallen asleep. This wasn’t a problem. This happens.
And since I badly needed to catch up and tell you all sort of things and listen to yours, I knew dinner would be perfect to talk over, there wasn’t anything important or urgent but the small things that completed us. Laughing over nothings and stuff. But when dinner finally happens and you’re on the phone through out. I didn’t mind but then after when the food arrived, I started thinking I should’ve eaten while I was out with my friends. At least I’d have company. Even though your efforts in making conversation later turned out alright, I wasn’t my hundred percent.
The time that followed was okay too. Stuck in the rain moments and all. And then we’re back at your place, doing what we do. And all I wanted to do was just lay there in your arms and talk or laugh over silly things and you know be happy in your arms and not go, that was when you took your guitar and I really love listening to you play, but it seemed like you were kinda on your own there. And I just lay there thinking what difference would it really make if I weren’t here right now in this exact moment. And I fall asleep. You wake me up though, I was glad. And we did it again and you’re exhausted. My cue to leave.
And here I’m, home.
And then I just remembered last weekend when you never offered to go back to your place before you dropped me home. That was a first.

I listen close for I’m not smart
You wrap your thoughts in works of art
And they’re hanging on the walls of my heart

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You’re the only angel in my life

I remember the one who jumps in for any “alone time” with me. And now you’re slightly becoming the guy who’d pass on that. I’m okay with that. It does hurt. Let me also apologize for being so transparent when it comes to the way I feel about some certain things.
What I’ve learned so far is some days are difficult and you feel unloved or ignored or just not paid enough attention even after all your efforts on getting noticed or something. Things are changing. Maybe it’s been too long and we’re changing. And I tell myself over and over that I don’t doubt you because a part of me does and when I suck into it, it becomes ugly. And now I know better so I listen to my brain instead. What I’m holding onto now is, times like these will show what we are and what we are not. If we make it through these, we’ll be okay. For once I need to see if we’ll be okay without all my nagging. I’ll take a few steps back and observe, and maybe try to figure out.. “where all this is coming from. I thought we were fine”.
I’m sorry I’m insecure and really fucked up. And it freaks me out when people change.