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Fuck My Life.

February 26, 2015

 

 I can never be happy with how I’ve turned out. I’ve always wanted to be strong and independent. I believe I am, but after so much has been ruined. It takes a lot of bullshit to immune yourself to the crap the world and the assholes spin for you, I think I’m finally there. I can take anything. Just not another heartbreak. They fucking hurt the most. My heart has been broken too many times yet it fucking beats, thank god for that. Thank god I didn’t have the courage to kill myself when everything was shit, thank god I lived.
Al hamdu lillah I survived.
 I’m sitting here at work with nothing much to do and I have this strange urge to list down the shitty things that has happened to me. Mostly because there’s just so many of them, and I don’t know how I’m so okay with everything that had happened.

When I was 15yrs old, I met this guy who tried to rape me but then grew so fond of me he decided to keep me around, under his terms. I sucked into his threats and blackmail, he kept trying to fuck me over and over. But it wasn’t easy since I was a virgin. He finally decided to fuck me in the ass since it wasn’t happening. So I was brutally fucked in the ass. My cries were ignored. Later I got knocked up by the same guy, I was sixteen and hopeless. Survived and took care of it on my own. It wasn’t easy. It was painful, a part of me fantasized of motherhood but I wasn’t ready. I went through all of this alone, I didn’t vent to anyone. Didn’t talk about it. I was sixteen. And in between all these I was abused continuously for three months by this guy my parents sent me abroad with, for studies. He came onto me when I slept and shit. It was fucking horrible, the worst of it was I wasn’t allowed to say a word of it to anyone. He fucked me up so bad, mentally, I was scared shit of him. Three months is a long time to live in a jail with a monster. I don’t know how I did it. It fucks me up even today to think how just how I managed without going insane. After I got rid of that I was sent straight back to the hell hole by my ignorant parents, and then I sort of lost my way. I was wronged  a couple of more times while all that lead me astray. And all of this when I was 15-16yrs young. 

So that’s how fucked up my  life has been.

I fell in love when I was fourteen, I was over the moon about it. but three months later I found out he was already with someone else and I was nothing more than a secret affair. I was completely shattered, my parents got divorced on the same day. Nothing would’ve been worse.
Many more guys came into my life, but anyone I ever loved, left.
When I was little I had a nanny, since my mom worked, my dad married  her, and moved out. I love my father more than anything. But he left me when I most needed him around, and he ignored the shit I went through even after knowing.
So I have daddy issues, and I’m insecure as fuck. But I survived all of these, without therapy. So excuse me if I’m still mourning over the one guy that I most wanted to stay. He’s the only person that would fix me. And I’m sorry if it’s annoying to see me sulk. Life has never been rainbows and butterflies. I’m only a baby when it comes to him. Every thing else I’ve handled, his absence is the hardest of them all.

 

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