December 06, 2015
I was wrong, I’m not fine. Never will be, not without him. For the first time ever I fucked us up and fucked up big. I destroyed the best thing that had happened to me.
I cheated on him, I shouldn’t have. Nothing I do can change facts now. I need to accept it and suffer. I did not cheat on him because I no longer loved him. I absolutely had no reason to, it was the most selfish and inconsiderate thing that I’d done which I’d never be able to forgive myself for. Normally I’m okay with mistakes. I never get into anything without realizing the consequences of the things I do. And I immediately back away from anything I wouldn’t be able to handle the consequences off.
I ruined us, I ruined him.
There aren’t any words that I know for the emptiness my soul has been left with. After everything that I’ve done and has happened I think it was best of me to let him go. I no longer had any right to keep him or the love he could offer. Even so, feelings don’t just vanish into thin air. I am to live the rest of my life knowing I crushed the only love of my life.
That’s got me thinking, maybe that is who I am. That person who ruined her reason to exist with no fault of another but her own only. Not the first time I’ve betrayed someone who meant the world to me.
I’m disgusting, I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve good people in my life. Only a matter of time before I eventually fuck everything up.
I crave emptiness, I crave solitude. I crave to be unloved, untouched and unknown. This isn’t whom I thought I was. But I am what I’ve done. It’s all on me, I have no right to even apologize because I was never stupid enough to not know what the hell I was doing. Everything is done and I’m left with nothing but the guilt of killing the only love that only mattered. I have no excuse.
I crave emptiness, I crave solitude. I crave to be unloved, untouched and unknown. This isn’t whom I thought I was. But I am what I’ve done. It’s all on me, I have no right to even apologize because I was never stupid enough to not know what the hell I was doing. Everything is done and I’m left with nothing but the guilt of killing the only love that only mattered. I have no excuse.
Sorry that I was never worthy enough, sorry that I still find you as amazing as the first time I met you.
Sorry that I am unable to undo my wrong doings.
Sorry that I am unable to unlove you.
Sorry because I’m still very much in love with you and sorry because those words will never hold the same meaning which they once did.
Sorry that I am unable to go on..
Sorry that you will always be The One.
Sorry that I still exist.
Sorry because I’m still very much in love with you and sorry because those words will never hold the same meaning which they once did.
Sorry that I am unable to go on..
Sorry that you will always be The One.
Sorry that I still exist.
She Was Sea 